Following
this learned advice, I bought a lottery ticket and lost. Okay, I thought, maybe one
of the planets that control my life was slightly out of orbit, so only half of what
was said will work. I then contacted the newspaper that ran the horoscope and asked
them to grant me a favor. Would, I asked, you please refrain from running these
useless horoscopes in your paper? The editor, clearly unaware of my obvious charm,
talent, and good luck, promptly terminated the call.
Either the astrologer had a bad day when predicting the day's events, or my mother
lied to me about my date of birth. Anyway, I still have one prediction left. My
unresolved problem concerns the writing of an article about astrologers. Despite my
best efforts, never was I able to complete anything that came close to an article.
This shall be my last effort.
For some people, the daily horoscopes that appear in newspapers, tabloids, and
magazines, are nothing more than a diversion or harmless form of cheap
entertainment. After making a modest investment in the publication the reader is
offered some very basic, if not silly, advice on how to conduct their personal
affairs. Advice like, "Today is a bad time to lose control of your emotions, (which
suggests there's a good day to go nuts) or, "You will be your own worst enemy if you
start to overreact to something you're told," can hardly be considered dangerous or
otherwise destructive. Never mind that such commonsense advice is applicable to
every human on the planet, it sounds good.
Others, however, have traversed the bridge between entertainment and insanity. For
them, astrology is a valid science worthy of their complete and unwavering trust.
When it comes to proof of these extraordinary claims, they grasp at anything and
everything. What they end up with parallels the scientific credibility of our
dragging Chuckie the groundhog out of his den every February 2, so we can predict
the remaining days of winter. And it isn't at all surprising to learn that Chuckie's
predictions are far more accurate than those set forth by the astrologers.
The true believers do, of course, assure me that their astrologers have made some
very accurate predictions. Hence, they must be gifted. My usual retort involves the
application of their logic to the following observation. Every morning my neighbor's
rooster crows, and shortly after that the sun appears on the eastern horizon.
Therefore, the rooster must be gifted with the savvy of a well-seasoned astrologer.
How else could it possibly predict when the sun will rise? Most astrology junkies
correctly view such logic as silly, but fail to see any flaws in their own version
of the same nonsense. Perhaps it's because they realize that roosters don't know how
to prepare astrological charts.
With no observable shortage of astrologers, psychics, blood readers, fortunetellers,
and other assorted wonders of the world, the competition for suitable players has
risen to a full-scale war. As proof of this observation, one need only watch any of
the 3-billion television channels now available to us. Without fail you will be
treated to an unending array of infomercials about the Psychic Hot Line. Not the
phony psychics and astrologers --- but the true, honest-to-God real ones. How do we
know they're real? Well, because they say so. And let us not overlook those
glowing
testimonials.
As proof positive, one very excited woman proclaimed that the gifted people at the
Psychic Hot Line told her things about herself that absolutely no one else could
have known. Now let's see if I have this right. After watching the commercial, I'm
to pick up the phone, place a $3.95 per minute call to the Psychic Hot Line, and in
return they will tell me things about myself that I already know. Maybe I missed the
point, or perhaps I mistakenly tuned into the Psychotic Hot Line. Yes, I now make
fun of such goofiness, but only because my options are few. I either laugh, throw a
brick through my television, or I succumb to complete insanity.
Could I possibly be wrong about all of this? After all, the astrology column did say
that I should tackle an unresolved problem, and here I am, ready to end this
article. Again, I jest. This highly opinionated article was actually made possible
by the bulletin editor for the Professionals Against Confidence crime, Pattie
Garwood. Using her version of an astrological prediction, she pointed out that now
would be a good time to deliver unto her a completed article, or else suffer the
inevitable, yet unspecified, consequences. She is not an astrologer, but she does
have access to high-powered weapons.
Here's something to think about before listening to the diatribe of our nation's
astrological con artists. Bob Steiner, the author of Don't Get Taken, noted
in his book that astrology is actually bigotry. Since bigotry is defined as a
prejudgment of a person based upon an accident of birth over which the person has no
control, and which has no scientific validity, then it appears he makes a very valid
point.
Hooked On Astrology?
Article by: Dennis Marlock
